Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

You Can't Teach an Old Dog

[*This picture is not entirely applicable because my old car just crashed- it never burned or had children in masks circle around it- but I laughed until I cried when I saw the 1st Mickey who has 0.00% of a neck.]

I have been carless for 4 months now (note that's carless, not careless- i have been careless for 22 years now). In these few months I've learned the value of sacrificing your pride to ask that freshman with her car on campus for a ride to a dentist appointment- wherein which she ops to wait for you in the sitting room and your dentist tells her how many cavities you've had as well as making her promise to document your flossing each night. Public enemy #1: Gingivitis, the silent killer. I've also learned the art of stowaway riding to the store or bank by sneaking into peoples cars under a blanket (pride still intact).
BUT NOW after months of not having a car, (the links are to prove I'm self-aware & know my current problems are non-problems in perspective) I GOT A NEW (TO ME) CAR!
It's a '94 Jetta, it was my friend Andrew Gumm's and I love it; but it's a stick shift & I have no idea how to get it to Taco Bell.
After a few "lessons" (a.k.a. tricking my stick-knowledgeable friends into sitting in the car with me while i repeatedly stall it down a hill) I'm not feeling too confident. But pride comes before the fall so insecurity must come before the rise to power? I'm right. Eventually I think driving stick over all the rolling, steep, beautiful, steep hills of Point Loma will be as blissful as it is anxiety-filled. Kind of how Ryan Gosling is scary in the best possible way.

Maybe I'll even get to be a Jetta driver of this caliber! WHOA did he just hit 70 RPMS?? And 40 MPH?? P.S. "Let your shoulder lean, shoulder lean, shoulder lean." -The official Driving Stick Anthem

Monday, September 20, 2010

Off Brand Mexican Cheetos

I have a cold so I'm trying to do what my mom's texts say and, "Stay hydrated sweetie!". My dorm room looks like a scene from Signs with half used water bottles everywhere. That, and I've started making clicking noises as I move around, it helps clear my sinuses.

I spend about 16 hours hacking up friends in bed. I'm really haggard, I almost took a photobooth picture of myself to illustrate this post and that's when I realized I had slowly developed a middle part and contemplated shaving my head. There is a silver lining though, I always use times I'm sick to try to start eating healthier because I can't taste anything anyway and being healthy is a l l t h e r a g e. I bought myself a Costco pack of Boca Burgers. Unfortunately, the smell of a microwaved (oddly sweaty) Boca Burger mixed with the convalescent smell of my room already is a gastly combination.

When friends walk in I blink twice to say hello but they take one look at the tissue boxes, half empty water bottles and flee my catatonic state (usually clasping a rosary I didn't see them bring in). They care, they just show it in other ways like febreezing my room in the middle of the night. I lay there breathing in fumes of mutual beneficiality and then fall asleep (read: lose consciousness). I love them!

Last week when I was a little less "Monster Hospital" and a little more "Wide Eyes" (I'm
trying to get another endorsement as a music blog) I finished unpacking my dorm room, went to a bon fire where my friends and I made s'mores, sang songs about never becoming depressed adults, and swam in the bay in our underwear yelling like animals into the night. C'est la vie. The next night I saw RATATAT for free at the House of Blues downtown because
some random guys twitter was giving the $34 tickets away if you texted him your name. Sketchy, but worth it. The guy ended up being from the opening band DOM, who I liked until I saw them live- they were so bad the Israeli guy behind me yelled YOU SUCK! & THIS IS TERRIBLE! in between every song. There were two fights everyone had to dodge and right when I thought I was safe, a crowd surfer fell on his neck right in front of me.

In other news: Hey Emmys WTF???

Edie Falco from NURSE JACKIE won best leading actress in a COMEDY SERIES when up against Tina Fey & Amy Poehler?!
Nurse Jackie is a comedy? Yes, it's funny that Edie Falco thinks she's passing as a woman but not as funny as Liz Lemon eating off-brand mexican cheetos! AHAHAHA- OFF BRAND MEXICAN CHEETOS!!
Greek Chorus: "Do better next time Emmys!"
Emmys: "Sawwy."

Saturday, July 24, 2010

i h888 honkers but now I'm accidentally one of them

My car's horn is broken so whenever I make sharp turns it lays into itself and accosts everyone around me who, in turn, look at me as if I am the rudest person they've ever seen. I can hear some part to the horn clanging around in my steering column so I guess it gets pinned in between other parts when I make a turn.
My first attempts at saving face were to pretend to wave at people on the street so it looks like I have a reason for honking; unfortunately they have all been anxious mothers with babies in strollers and the honk goes on for too long to be cute & friendly and my confused and frantic waving makes the whole interaction 9-1-1 worthy.
I'll get it fixed soon seeing as how I GOT A JOB! I'm working at Domino's where I put pepperonis on your pizza, buffalo sauce on your chicken wings and bring them both to your doorstep at which point I expect a $10 tip (my first day some of the other drivers regaled me with stories of houses who give out $10 tips, I'm sure they are the same houses my cousin told me about back in '96 who give out king-sized candy bars for Halloween)
I usually only get like 10¢-$1 but i think that is just because everyone can tell I ate some of their chicken wings in the car on the way over.
I love the job because I get to drive around listening to public radio & i can feel myself growing increasingly informed-citizeny. The news stories are usually really interesting & sometimes I don't want to get out of the car. Sometimes I just sit there in your driveway eating your pizza and listening to the radio. (that's not true) (that's true)
Yesterday, the headline story was one of POWER! CORRUPTION! and DRIVING INTO MAILBOXES (I clearly stayed in the driveway for this one)
July 24, 2010
The story was on Robert Rizzo, this LA city official who is resigning because word got out about him paying himself $800,000 a year (a.k.a. double what the president makes) for what works out to be a part-time job. He was also paying the county police chief $450,000 per year and his assistant
$400,000 per year. The real uproar was caused by the citizens in his area, called Bell county, because it is one of the poorest in Los Angeles. Many residents are factory workers but there have been a spell of factories closing due to the economic downturn. Bell county had to open up it's own Food Bank because it's need over-extended the existing system for Los Angeles; meanwhile, Rizzo bought box tickets to the Lakers for his extended family. OH ALSO Rizzo got a DUI last month after driving into someone's mailbox- which he initially denied and then pleaded guilty to.
And God's like, "STOP I'm running out out of space in Heaven!"

just kidding God's probably more like, "Heaven's not a tangible place! It's only in your self-serving reward system religion where consumerism has bled into your spirituality and religious holdings where a Heaven has become a reasonable result/reward of a Christian life!"
Literally where did that come from?
OH I also made this little booty baby of a video from clips of this past year's adventures. It turns into a really weird- youtube clip laden- warp speed- Oprah Winfrey- pipe dream after the "fake ending"; I'm not sorry.


Sunday, July 18, 2010


This feline friday gives us a glimpse of the cat world and all the witty dialogue, crippling insecurities and LICKING that takes place in there! but really, a good 1/4th of the clip is just cats licking! i'm really glad the adult with the camera and youtube account kept that in there! it was so funny and not at all weirdly creamy sounding!
but the cats are adorable & if you watch the clip enough times (like me: 10+) it looks like they each have long, white wizard beards haha. it's like watching Merlin lick his reflection in a mirror!
what? weird! why am i still awake? i didn't sleep at all last night [potter-mania].
accio forgiveness

Thursday, July 8, 2010

japanese popstar

SIANARA UNEMPLOYMENT; I practically have a job making millions of dollars as of this morning. . .
We all know I don't have what the white man refers to as "a job", but a man recently found buried treasure in the UK and now he doesn't need one because the treasure is worth 5 million dollars.
The man, Dave Crisp, uncovered 52,500 Roman coins with a metal detector! (and then QVC sold 52,500 metal detectors. HOT ITEM!) Dave Crispytreat became my obsession so I goooooogled him and on page 5 of the results I found what I am sure is his actual facebook page, i guess he's 16:
Dave Crisp: 16

His bio: not much about me, I love music, and traveling, [and finding major coin hoards that are both historically significant & worth 5 million dollars/ Wendy's Frostys!!] other than that, im in a band called skylines (www.myspace.com/skylineswi) and I work at pick n save north in west bend. If you wanna know more just ask

He looks like a Japanese popstar. My messages have yet to be answered but i'm sure this will happen to me. But in the meantime (trumpet noise) I GOT A JOB AT A PIZZA PLACE. I deliver pizzas to men watching sports games and children who snuck their mom's credit cards before they left for Jazzercize. If it rains I get to wear a Domino's parka. You're supposed to be bi-lingual for the area i'm delivering to but they couldn't find qualified people who were bi-li so I got the job. I literally cannot wait to fill out the first police report. But more on that later (read: never, i have a job now).

I leave you with my hopes for the 2010 Emmy Awards:

Outstanding Comedy Series: 30 Rock
Drama Series: Lost
Leading Actress in a Comedy: Tina Fey – 30 Rock
Leading Actor in a Comedy: Larry David – Curb Your Enthusiasm
Leading Actor in a Drama: Bryan Cranston – Breaking Bad
Leading Actress in a Drama: January Jones – Mad Men
Lead Actor In A Miniseries Or A Movie: Al Pacino- You Don’t Know Jack
Lead Actress In A Miniseries Or A Movie: Maggie Smith – Capturing Mary
Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series: Eric Stonestreet- Modern Family
Supporting Actor In A Drama Series: Aaron Paul – Breaking Bad
Supporting Actor In A Miniseries Or A Movie: John Goodman – You Don’t Know Jack
Supporting Actress In A Comedy Series: Jane Lynch – Glee
Supporting Actress In A Drama Series: Rose Byrne – Damages
Outstanding (?!) Reality Program: Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution OR My Life on the D-List
Outstanding (?!) Reality Competition Program: Top Chef

The official website for the 2010 Emmy Nominees can be found here
OH sorry I meant here

Friday, July 2, 2010

an open letter to the 576,345,646,345,254,347 places i've applied to work (& to the meatball sandwich i just ate)

hello brood of vipers-
[a.k.a. blockbuster, carl's jr, subway, quizno's, buffalo exchange, target, sam's club, johnny carino's, bj's, island's, sport's chalet, bed, bath & beyond, buffalo wild wings, starbucks, wells fargo, my aunt kate & domino's]

did you get the packages i sent? the gift baskets with the ipods and cherry infused gourmet chocolate and french bath salts?- thanks for hiring me. i'm excited to contribute to an upbeat, productive and fun work environment- as my resume states. i wake up as the sun is rising, pour myself a mug of Starbucks coffee (not store brand because i have a job & an income & am at the height of 'having it all together' because of the two), i shower, put on my treasured uniform which i ironed & laid flat the night before & drive to work whistling a little Tchaikovsky only to arrive 20 minutes early, just the way you like it. wait, that's not my life!
[insert warped scratchy record sound from sitcoms]
i wake up at 2pm on a productive day. i spend my 10 waking hours absorbing into the couch while eating m&ms, instant mashed potatoes and melted cheese on a plate washed down with tang: orange flavored beverage. i've watched seasons 1-3 of the OC,

seasons 1-3 of iCarly, season 7 of Friends, season 1 of SNL, seasons 1 &2 of Arrested Development, and every youtube video with the words "funny prank" in the title. i've gained 30 lbs. every three days i shower. i've learned what the word FUPA means. there's a chance i've ordered a motorized cart for myself. i guess at this point i wouldn't hire me (or the couch- we're practically indistinguishable at this point). SO THAT'S IT
i'm going to beat this, i'm going to get up earlier and show you what you're missing! i'm going to wear fake glasses and say things like, "i have full availability" and "no, i don't mind wearing a visor".

i can't wait! ok future employers- see you tomorrow, or the next day

***and to the meatball sub: i'm sorry i called you 'budget food' in front of the lady at the checkout counter, i didn't mean it. you're beautiful, don't change

Monday, June 21, 2010

let's talk about seth baby

My roommates and I are all unemployed. For various reasons we all find ourselves sitting on the couch watching daytime TV together; I left my job when I moved to LA for the summer, some of them have been fired/laid off/quit, and some of them never had a job (though, if eating all the potstickers I buy at Trader Joe's were a job, they'd own stock in the company by now (Jk, angels! I love youu! Haha, LOL I don't even like potstickers because I'm vegetarian. (No I'm not, I love meat, especially potsticker-meat. (Mm, potstickermeat.))) Good luck deciphering what just happened/ I'm sorry.

Now we know real things are going on but the 5 of us plant ourselves in front of the TV to watch hours of SOAPnet's newest syndication, The OC. It's not a waste of time because we apply to Craigslist jobs during the commercials. We are halfway through season 2 and 100% re-in love with the nerdy, sarcastic, indie-band-referencing Jew: Seth Cohen. wHaTaDrEaMbOaT. Anyway, we all started wondering (which in the 21st century is synonymous with Googling) what Adam Brody's up to now, who he's dating and how we can sneak into his house.

Best fact found: Adam Brody was in an episode of MTV's Undressed- the show no one was allowed to watch but it came on too late for your mom to monitor because she's old and went to bed already. He was also in a band called Big Japan. From the looks of IMDB.com, Adam Brody really hasn't been doing that much since the OC. He was in Grind, Jenifer's Body and Cop Out (please hold your applause... forever) BUT, he'll be in two vaguely promising upcoming movies- The Romantics, and The Oranges. In The Romantics, Brody co-stars with Katie Holmes, Josh Duhamel and Elijah Wood (yeaaah Elijah Wood) in a rom-com about old friends reuniting at a wedding, skinny dipping in the ocean and yelling into the open air Garden State/Where the Wild Things Are-style. Here's the trailer (after a Converse All-Star, I mean Mayonnaise commercial):

It played at Sundance where it recieved a 3.5 out of 5, which is enough for me to torrent download it now, so goodbye and good luck. If it's really good I'll tell you next time, aaand if you're a government official- "torrent download" is slang us kids are using these days for "waiting for a movie to come out in theaters and buying an admission ticket for said movie".

I leave you with this coupon for orange chicken from Panda Express that you can only use between the hours of 9pm and 10pm, so generous:

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Memoirs of a Sasquatch

Today was one of those 'run out of gas on the 101- climb a barbed wire fence to get to Chevron' kind of Thursdays. Flashback to me passing gas station, after gas station because *even though I know cars need gas to run*, I hate the feeling of spending $40, so I test it. every. damn. time. I know one of these days a scientist will escape from whatever island BP is keeping them on and show us how gasoline is really just windshield-wiper fluid and cars can run on "batteries" that "charge" in the "sun". I'm probably on some sort of hit list now so please tell my family I love them, but I still don't forgive anyone for the Christmas of '94.

Anyway, a lovely Asian woman helped me flag down a lovely Mexican teen and together we decided it was too hard to push my car up the on-ramp so we all let go and it crunched into a nice, out of the way ditch. From there they both said, "good luck" and sped away in their fully operating vehicles leaving me to cross 4 lanes of traffic, mount a dirt hill on all fours and climb a barbed wire fence. It would not be an exaggeration to say this was the most fun i've had while crying. Once everything was properly ripped/bleeding I walked a few city blocks to the nearest gas station.

The dirt hill left me looking and feeling "very Sasquatch" so I bought myself a Snickers to eat in front of the homeless man at my gas pump. I filled up a small, overpriced red cube with $2 worth of gas and headed back toward my abandoned car. Only a block away from Chevron, my survival instincts flared up and I began collecting sticks and trash off the ground for the fire I would inevitably build to cook my leather belt and shoes. I found the second half of the Snickers in my pocket and dropped all the trash on the ground.

Back at the giant fence, I took off my dinner belt to wear like an ammo sash (I really hope you're following) with the gas can bumping against my leg and started climbing. From there it was just a small drop and roll down the dirt hill. The Sasquatch was enhanced. I darted back across traffic. Sweaty, dirty and risking my life for fuel, I made a mental note to research PTSD and military discounts.

Finally to my car, I made out with it as freeway traffic watched from both sides. It was just getting hot & heavy when delightful motorcycle cop zipped up and muttered something about me not being allowed to park in the ditch. I muttered that sometimes I wish my eyes were fire. Neither of us really needing what the other had so far offered, he watched as I emptied the red gas can into my tank and asked where I got it. I gave him the abridged version- "Chevron", and he told me Cal-Trans would have brought me a free gallon if I had just called information. I could have killed my only brother. Cal-Trans was still radioed as my car refused to start and they towed me out of the ditch, added more gas to my tank and waved goodbye. I got to my house where I sat in my car listening to a Disney playlist and flaking off face dirt for two hours. I guess what I'm trying to say in all this is that today I learned the true meaning of Hakuna Matata and it's don't walk 3 miles through Afghani terrain for something Cal-Trans will bring you for free and by that I mean bring home the tropes (like a wayward son or a stream to the river).