Saturday, July 24, 2010

i h888 honkers but now I'm accidentally one of them

My car's horn is broken so whenever I make sharp turns it lays into itself and accosts everyone around me who, in turn, look at me as if I am the rudest person they've ever seen. I can hear some part to the horn clanging around in my steering column so I guess it gets pinned in between other parts when I make a turn.
My first attempts at saving face were to pretend to wave at people on the street so it looks like I have a reason for honking; unfortunately they have all been anxious mothers with babies in strollers and the honk goes on for too long to be cute & friendly and my confused and frantic waving makes the whole interaction 9-1-1 worthy.
I'll get it fixed soon seeing as how I GOT A JOB! I'm working at Domino's where I put pepperonis on your pizza, buffalo sauce on your chicken wings and bring them both to your doorstep at which point I expect a $10 tip (my first day some of the other drivers regaled me with stories of houses who give out $10 tips, I'm sure they are the same houses my cousin told me about back in '96 who give out king-sized candy bars for Halloween)
I usually only get like 10¢-$1 but i think that is just because everyone can tell I ate some of their chicken wings in the car on the way over.
I love the job because I get to drive around listening to public radio & i can feel myself growing increasingly informed-citizeny. The news stories are usually really interesting & sometimes I don't want to get out of the car. Sometimes I just sit there in your driveway eating your pizza and listening to the radio. (that's not true) (that's true)
Yesterday, the headline story was one of POWER! CORRUPTION! and DRIVING INTO MAILBOXES (I clearly stayed in the driveway for this one)
July 24, 2010
The story was on Robert Rizzo, this LA city official who is resigning because word got out about him paying himself $800,000 a year (a.k.a. double what the president makes) for what works out to be a part-time job. He was also paying the county police chief $450,000 per year and his assistant
$400,000 per year. The real uproar was caused by the citizens in his area, called Bell county, because it is one of the poorest in Los Angeles. Many residents are factory workers but there have been a spell of factories closing due to the economic downturn. Bell county had to open up it's own Food Bank because it's need over-extended the existing system for Los Angeles; meanwhile, Rizzo bought box tickets to the Lakers for his extended family. OH ALSO Rizzo got a DUI last month after driving into someone's mailbox- which he initially denied and then pleaded guilty to.
And God's like, "STOP I'm running out out of space in Heaven!"

just kidding God's probably more like, "Heaven's not a tangible place! It's only in your self-serving reward system religion where consumerism has bled into your spirituality and religious holdings where a Heaven has become a reasonable result/reward of a Christian life!"
Literally where did that come from?
OH I also made this little booty baby of a video from clips of this past year's adventures. It turns into a really weird- youtube clip laden- warp speed- Oprah Winfrey- pipe dream after the "fake ending"; I'm not sorry.


Sunday, July 18, 2010


This feline friday gives us a glimpse of the cat world and all the witty dialogue, crippling insecurities and LICKING that takes place in there! but really, a good 1/4th of the clip is just cats licking! i'm really glad the adult with the camera and youtube account kept that in there! it was so funny and not at all weirdly creamy sounding!
but the cats are adorable & if you watch the clip enough times (like me: 10+) it looks like they each have long, white wizard beards haha. it's like watching Merlin lick his reflection in a mirror!
what? weird! why am i still awake? i didn't sleep at all last night [potter-mania].
accio forgiveness

Thursday, July 8, 2010

japanese popstar

SIANARA UNEMPLOYMENT; I practically have a job making millions of dollars as of this morning. . .
We all know I don't have what the white man refers to as "a job", but a man recently found buried treasure in the UK and now he doesn't need one because the treasure is worth 5 million dollars.
The man, Dave Crisp, uncovered 52,500 Roman coins with a metal detector! (and then QVC sold 52,500 metal detectors. HOT ITEM!) Dave Crispytreat became my obsession so I goooooogled him and on page 5 of the results I found what I am sure is his actual facebook page, i guess he's 16:
Dave Crisp: 16

His bio: not much about me, I love music, and traveling, [and finding major coin hoards that are both historically significant & worth 5 million dollars/ Wendy's Frostys!!] other than that, im in a band called skylines ( and I work at pick n save north in west bend. If you wanna know more just ask

He looks like a Japanese popstar. My messages have yet to be answered but i'm sure this will happen to me. But in the meantime (trumpet noise) I GOT A JOB AT A PIZZA PLACE. I deliver pizzas to men watching sports games and children who snuck their mom's credit cards before they left for Jazzercize. If it rains I get to wear a Domino's parka. You're supposed to be bi-lingual for the area i'm delivering to but they couldn't find qualified people who were bi-li so I got the job. I literally cannot wait to fill out the first police report. But more on that later (read: never, i have a job now).

I leave you with my hopes for the 2010 Emmy Awards:

Outstanding Comedy Series: 30 Rock
Drama Series: Lost
Leading Actress in a Comedy: Tina Fey – 30 Rock
Leading Actor in a Comedy: Larry David – Curb Your Enthusiasm
Leading Actor in a Drama: Bryan Cranston – Breaking Bad
Leading Actress in a Drama: January Jones – Mad Men
Lead Actor In A Miniseries Or A Movie: Al Pacino- You Don’t Know Jack
Lead Actress In A Miniseries Or A Movie: Maggie Smith – Capturing Mary
Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series: Eric Stonestreet- Modern Family
Supporting Actor In A Drama Series: Aaron Paul – Breaking Bad
Supporting Actor In A Miniseries Or A Movie: John Goodman – You Don’t Know Jack
Supporting Actress In A Comedy Series: Jane Lynch – Glee
Supporting Actress In A Drama Series: Rose Byrne – Damages
Outstanding (?!) Reality Program: Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution OR My Life on the D-List
Outstanding (?!) Reality Competition Program: Top Chef

The official website for the 2010 Emmy Nominees can be found here
OH sorry I meant here

Friday, July 2, 2010

an open letter to the 576,345,646,345,254,347 places i've applied to work (& to the meatball sandwich i just ate)

hello brood of vipers-
[a.k.a. blockbuster, carl's jr, subway, quizno's, buffalo exchange, target, sam's club, johnny carino's, bj's, island's, sport's chalet, bed, bath & beyond, buffalo wild wings, starbucks, wells fargo, my aunt kate & domino's]

did you get the packages i sent? the gift baskets with the ipods and cherry infused gourmet chocolate and french bath salts?- thanks for hiring me. i'm excited to contribute to an upbeat, productive and fun work environment- as my resume states. i wake up as the sun is rising, pour myself a mug of Starbucks coffee (not store brand because i have a job & an income & am at the height of 'having it all together' because of the two), i shower, put on my treasured uniform which i ironed & laid flat the night before & drive to work whistling a little Tchaikovsky only to arrive 20 minutes early, just the way you like it. wait, that's not my life!
[insert warped scratchy record sound from sitcoms]
i wake up at 2pm on a productive day. i spend my 10 waking hours absorbing into the couch while eating m&ms, instant mashed potatoes and melted cheese on a plate washed down with tang: orange flavored beverage. i've watched seasons 1-3 of the OC,

seasons 1-3 of iCarly, season 7 of Friends, season 1 of SNL, seasons 1 &2 of Arrested Development, and every youtube video with the words "funny prank" in the title. i've gained 30 lbs. every three days i shower. i've learned what the word FUPA means. there's a chance i've ordered a motorized cart for myself. i guess at this point i wouldn't hire me (or the couch- we're practically indistinguishable at this point). SO THAT'S IT
i'm going to beat this, i'm going to get up earlier and show you what you're missing! i'm going to wear fake glasses and say things like, "i have full availability" and "no, i don't mind wearing a visor".

i can't wait! ok future employers- see you tomorrow, or the next day

***and to the meatball sub: i'm sorry i called you 'budget food' in front of the lady at the checkout counter, i didn't mean it. you're beautiful, don't change