FELINE FRIDAY

This feline friday gives us a glimpse of the cat world and all the witty dialogue, crippling insecurities and LICKING that takes place in there! but really, a good 1/4th of the clip is just cats licking! i'm really glad the adult with the camera and youtube account kept that in there! it was so funny and not at all weirdly creamy sounding!

but the cats are adorable & if you watch the clip enough times (like me: 10+) it looks like they each have long, white wizard beards haha. it's like watching Merlin lick his reflection in a mirror!

what? weird! why am i still awake? i didn't sleep at all last night [potter-mania].
accio forgiveness

japanese popstar

SIANARA UNEMPLOYMENT; I practically have a job making millions of dollars as of this morning. . .

We all know I don't have what the white man refers to as "a job", but a man recently found buried treasure in the UK and now he doesn't need one because the treasure is worth 5 million dollars.

The man, Dave Crisp, uncovered 52,500 Roman coins with a metal detector! (and then QVC sold 52,500 metal detectors. HOT ITEM!) Dave Crispytreat became my obsession so I goooooogled him and on page 5 of the results I found what I am sure is his actual facebook page, i guess he's 16:

Dave Crisp: 16

His bio: not much about me, I love music, and traveling, [and finding major coin hoards that are both historically significant & worth 5 million dollars/ Wendy's Frosty™s!!] other than that, im in a band called skylines (www.myspace.com/skylineswi) and I work at pick n save north in west bend. If you wanna know more just ask

He looks like a Japanese popstar. My messages have yet to be answered but i'm sure this will happen to me. But in the meantime (trumpet noise) I GOT A JOB AT A PIZZA PLACE. I deliver pizzas to men watching sports games and children who snuck their mom's credit cards before they left for Jazzercize. If it rains I get to wear a Domino's parka. You're supposed to be bi-lingual for the area i'm delivering to but they couldn't find qualified people who were bi-li so I got the job. I literally cannot wait to fill out the first police report. But more on that later (read: never, i have a job now).

I leave you with my hopes for the 2010 Emmy Awards:

Outstanding Comedy Series: 30 Rock

Drama Series: Lost

Leading Actress in a Comedy: Tina Fey – 30 Rock

Leading Actor in a Comedy: Larry David – Curb Your Enthusiasm

Leading Actor in a Drama: Bryan Cranston – Breaking Bad

Leading Actress in a Drama: January Jones – Mad Men

Lead Actor In A Miniseries Or A Movie: Al Pacino- You Don’t Know Jack

Lead Actress In A Miniseries Or A Movie: Maggie Smith – Capturing Mary

Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series: Eric Stonestreet- Modern Family

Supporting Actor In A Drama Series: Aaron Paul – Breaking Bad

Supporting Actor In A Miniseries Or A Movie: John Goodman – You Don’t Know Jack

Supporting Actress In A Comedy Series: Jane Lynch – Glee

Supporting Actress In A Drama Series: Rose Byrne – Damages

Outstanding (?!) Reality Program: Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution OR My Life on the D-List

Outstanding (?!) Reality Competition Program: Top Chef

The official website for the 2010 Emmy Nominees can be found here

OH sorry I meant here

an open letter to the 576,345,646,345,254,347 places i've applied to work (& to the meatball sandwich i just ate)

hello brood of vipers-

[a.k.a. blockbuster, carl's jr, subway, quizno's, buffalo exchange, target, sam's club, johnny carino's, bj's, island's, sport's chalet, bed, bath & beyond, buffalo wild wings, starbucks, wells fargo, my aunt kate & domino's]

did you get the packages i sent? the gift baskets with the ipods and cherry infused gourmet chocolate and french bath salts?- thanks for hiring me. i'm excited to contribute to an upbeat, productive and fun work environment- as my resume states. i wake up as the sun is rising, pour myself a mug of Starbucks coffee (not store brand because i have a job & an income & am at the height of 'having it all together' because of the two), i shower, put on my treasured uniform which i ironed & laid flat the night before & drive to work whistling a little Tchaikovsky only to arrive 20 minutes early, just the way you like it. wait, that's not my life!

[insert warped scratchy record sound from sitcoms]

i wake up at 2pm on a productive day. i spend my 10 waking hours absorbing into the couch while eating m&ms, instant mashed potatoes and melted cheese on a plate washed down with tang: orange flavored beverage. i've watched seasons 1-3 of the OC,

seasons 1-3 of iCarly, season 7 of Friends, season 1 of SNL, seasons 1 &2 of Arrested Development, and every youtube video with the words "funny prank" in the title. i've gained 30 lbs. every three days i shower. i've learned what the word FUPA means. there's a chance i've ordered a motorized cart for myself. i guess at this point i wouldn't hire me (or the couch- we're practically indistinguishable at this point). SO THAT'S IT

i'm going to beat this, i'm going to get up earlier and show you what you're missing! i'm going to wear fake glasses and say things like, "i have full availability" and "no, i don't mind wearing a visor".

i can't wait! ok future employers- see you tomorrow, or the next day

***and to the meatball sub: i'm sorry i called you 'budget food' in front of the lady at the checkout counter, i didn't mean it. you're beautiful, don't change

let's talk about seth baby

My roommates and I are all unemployed. For various reasons we all find ourselves sitting on the couch watching daytime TV together; I left my job when I moved to LA for the summer, some of them have been fired/laid off/quit, and some of them never had a job (though, if eating all the potstickers I buy at Trader Joe's were a job, they'd own stock in the company by now (Jk, angels! I love youu! Haha, LOL I don't even like potstickers because I'm vegetarian. (No I'm not, I love meat, especially potsticker-meat. (Mm, potstickermeat.))) Good luck deciphering what just happened/ I'm sorry.

Now we know real things are going on but the 5 of us plant ourselves in front of the TV to watch hours of SOAPnet's newest syndication, The OC. It's not a waste of time because we apply to Craigslist jobs during the commercials. We are halfway through season 2 and 100% re-in love with the nerdy, sarcastic, indie-band-referencing Jew: Seth Cohen. wHaTaDrEaMbOaT. Anyway, we all started wondering (which in the 21st century is synonymous with Googling) what Adam Brody's up to now, who he's dating and how we can sneak into his house.

Best fact found: Adam Brody was in an episode of MTV's Undressed- the show no one was allowed to watch but it came on too late for your mom to monitor because she's old and went to bed already. He was also in a band called Big Japan. From the looks of IMDB.com, Adam Brody really hasn't been doing that much since the OC. He was in Grind, Jenifer's Body and Cop Out (please hold your applause... forever) BUT, he'll be in two vaguely promising upcoming movies- The Romantics, and The Oranges. In The Romantics, Brody co-stars with Katie Holmes, Josh Duhamel and Elijah Wood (yeaaah Elijah Wood) in a rom-com about old friends reuniting at a wedding, skinny dipping in the ocean and yelling into the open air Garden State/Where the Wild Things Are-style. Here's the trailer (after a Converse All-Star, I mean Mayonnaise commercial):



It played at Sundance where it recieved a 3.5 out of 5, which is enough for me to torrent download it now, so goodbye and good luck. If it's really good I'll tell you next time, aaand if you're a government official- "torrent download" is slang us kids are using these days for "waiting for a movie to come out in theaters and buying an admission ticket for said movie".

I leave you with this coupon for orange chicken from Panda Express that you can only use between the hours of 9pm and 10pm, so generous:

Memoirs of a Sasquatch

Today was one of those 'run out of gas on the 101- climb a barbed wire fence to get to Chevron' kind of Thursdays. Flashback to me passing gas station, after gas station because *even though I know cars need gas to run*, I hate the feeling of spending $40, so I test it. every. damn. time. I know one of these days a scientist will escape from whatever island BP is keeping them on and show us how gasoline is really just windshield-wiper fluid and cars can run on "batteries" that "charge" in the "sun". I'm probably on some sort of hit list now so please tell my family I love them, but I still don't forgive anyone for the Christmas of '94.

Anyway, a lovely Asian woman helped me flag down a lovely Mexican teen and together we decided it was too hard to push my car up the on-ramp so we all let go and it crunched into a nice, out of the way ditch. From there they both said, "good luck" and sped away in their fully operating vehicles leaving me to cross 4 lanes of traffic, mount a dirt hill on all fours and climb a barbed wire fence. It would not be an exaggeration to say this was the most fun i've had while crying. Once everything was properly ripped/bleeding I walked a few city blocks to the nearest gas station.

The dirt hill left me looking and feeling "very Sasquatch" so I bought myself a Snickers to eat in front of the homeless man at my gas pump. I filled up a small, overpriced red cube with $2 worth of gas and headed back toward my abandoned car. Only a block away from Chevron, my survival instincts flared up and I began collecting sticks and trash off the ground for the fire I would inevitably build to cook my leather belt and shoes. I found the second half of the Snickers in my pocket and dropped all the trash on the ground.

Back at the giant fence, I took off my dinner belt to wear like an ammo sash (I really hope you're following) with the gas can bumping against my leg and started climbing. From there it was just a small drop and roll down the dirt hill. The Sasquatch was enhanced. I darted back across traffic. Sweaty, dirty and risking my life for fuel, I made a mental note to research PTSD and military discounts.

Finally to my car, I made out with it as freeway traffic watched from both sides. It was just getting hot & heavy when delightful motorcycle cop zipped up and muttered something about me not being allowed to park in the ditch. I muttered that sometimes I wish my eyes were fire. Neither of us really needing what the other had so far offered, he watched as I emptied the red gas can into my tank and asked where I got it. I gave him the abridged version- "Chevron", and he told me Cal-Trans would have brought me a free gallon if I had just called information. I could have killed my only brother. Cal-Trans was still radioed as my car refused to start and they towed me out of the ditch, added more gas to my tank and waved goodbye. I got to my house where I sat in my car listening to a Disney playlist and flaking off face dirt for two hours. I guess what I'm trying to say in all this is that today I learned the true meaning of Hakuna Matata and it's don't walk 3 miles through Afghani terrain for something Cal-Trans will bring you for free and by that I mean bring home the tropes (like a wayward son or a stream to the river).

FRthewizardingworldofharrypotteropenedyesterdayICK!

Fig. A
I can't believe i'm not in Orlando FL & not just because i'd be making much, much more as a prostitute there due to the high concentrations of tourists and Cubans, but because THE WIZARDING WORLD OF HARRY POTTER OPENED YESTERDAY!
The opening of this theme-park-within-a-theme-park has honestly been the most anticipated thing so far in my life:


5. getting my braces off Junior year of high school
4. hearing i was going to have a baby brother
3. my first kiss
2. Jesus' second coming
1. June 18th, opening day of WWoHP
Fig. B >>

The website: http://www.universalorlando.com/harrypotter/
If you haven't treated this site like your home away from home(facebook) while online- you should bookmark it now. It features: virtual tours, updates, the list of official attractions (including an HOUR LONG RIDE). There's also an online store & pictures of fat kids getting to do everything you wish you could right now- i.e. drinking butterbeer & meeting Daniel Radcliffe.

Speaking of Dradcliffe, who seems to be slowly turning into a hobbit these days (see Fig. A & B), can you please send him a text in Helvetica with your new KIN mobile phone & let him know he's not actually Elijah Wood? And while you're at the touch screen, also inform him that being Elijah Wood is not something anybody wants to be? Not even Elijah Wood.



ROCK ON <3