Friday, July 2, 2010

an open letter to the 576,345,646,345,254,347 places i've applied to work (& to the meatball sandwich i just ate)

hello brood of vipers-
[a.k.a. blockbuster, carl's jr, subway, quizno's, buffalo exchange, target, sam's club, johnny carino's, bj's, island's, sport's chalet, bed, bath & beyond, buffalo wild wings, starbucks, wells fargo, my aunt kate & domino's]

did you get the packages i sent? the gift baskets with the ipods and cherry infused gourmet chocolate and french bath salts?- thanks for hiring me. i'm excited to contribute to an upbeat, productive and fun work environment- as my resume states. i wake up as the sun is rising, pour myself a mug of Starbucks coffee (not store brand because i have a job & an income & am at the height of 'having it all together' because of the two), i shower, put on my treasured uniform which i ironed & laid flat the night before & drive to work whistling a little Tchaikovsky only to arrive 20 minutes early, just the way you like it. wait, that's not my life!
[insert warped scratchy record sound from sitcoms]
i wake up at 2pm on a productive day. i spend my 10 waking hours absorbing into the couch while eating m&ms, instant mashed potatoes and melted cheese on a plate washed down with tang: orange flavored beverage. i've watched seasons 1-3 of the OC,

seasons 1-3 of iCarly, season 7 of Friends, season 1 of SNL, seasons 1 &2 of Arrested Development, and every youtube video with the words "funny prank" in the title. i've gained 30 lbs. every three days i shower. i've learned what the word FUPA means. there's a chance i've ordered a motorized cart for myself. i guess at this point i wouldn't hire me (or the couch- we're practically indistinguishable at this point). SO THAT'S IT
i'm going to beat this, i'm going to get up earlier and show you what you're missing! i'm going to wear fake glasses and say things like, "i have full availability" and "no, i don't mind wearing a visor".

i can't wait! ok future employers- see you tomorrow, or the next day

***and to the meatball sub: i'm sorry i called you 'budget food' in front of the lady at the checkout counter, i didn't mean it. you're beautiful, don't change

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