Saturday, July 24, 2010

i h888 honkers but now I'm accidentally one of them

My car's horn is broken so whenever I make sharp turns it lays into itself and accosts everyone around me who, in turn, look at me as if I am the rudest person they've ever seen. I can hear some part to the horn clanging around in my steering column so I guess it gets pinned in between other parts when I make a turn.
My first attempts at saving face were to pretend to wave at people on the street so it looks like I have a reason for honking; unfortunately they have all been anxious mothers with babies in strollers and the honk goes on for too long to be cute & friendly and my confused and frantic waving makes the whole interaction 9-1-1 worthy.
I'll get it fixed soon seeing as how I GOT A JOB! I'm working at Domino's where I put pepperonis on your pizza, buffalo sauce on your chicken wings and bring them both to your doorstep at which point I expect a $10 tip (my first day some of the other drivers regaled me with stories of houses who give out $10 tips, I'm sure they are the same houses my cousin told me about back in '96 who give out king-sized candy bars for Halloween)
I usually only get like 10¢-$1 but i think that is just because everyone can tell I ate some of their chicken wings in the car on the way over.
I love the job because I get to drive around listening to public radio & i can feel myself growing increasingly informed-citizeny. The news stories are usually really interesting & sometimes I don't want to get out of the car. Sometimes I just sit there in your driveway eating your pizza and listening to the radio. (that's not true) (that's true)
Yesterday, the headline story was one of POWER! CORRUPTION! and DRIVING INTO MAILBOXES (I clearly stayed in the driveway for this one)
July 24, 2010
The story was on Robert Rizzo, this LA city official who is resigning because word got out about him paying himself $800,000 a year (a.k.a. double what the president makes) for what works out to be a part-time job. He was also paying the county police chief $450,000 per year and his assistant
$400,000 per year. The real uproar was caused by the citizens in his area, called Bell county, because it is one of the poorest in Los Angeles. Many residents are factory workers but there have been a spell of factories closing due to the economic downturn. Bell county had to open up it's own Food Bank because it's need over-extended the existing system for Los Angeles; meanwhile, Rizzo bought box tickets to the Lakers for his extended family. OH ALSO Rizzo got a DUI last month after driving into someone's mailbox- which he initially denied and then pleaded guilty to.
And God's like, "STOP I'm running out out of space in Heaven!"

just kidding God's probably more like, "Heaven's not a tangible place! It's only in your self-serving reward system religion where consumerism has bled into your spirituality and religious holdings where a Heaven has become a reasonable result/reward of a Christian life!"
Literally where did that come from?
OH I also made this little booty baby of a video from clips of this past year's adventures. It turns into a really weird- youtube clip laden- warp speed- Oprah Winfrey- pipe dream after the "fake ending"; I'm not sorry.


1 comment:

  1. Beards! I found your blog from Jen Alderette's blog. It is so funny. I listen to NPR too! Now you're one of my NPR friends, and I'll text you and be like, "are you LISTENING to These Days right now? wtf!"

    Haha. So good. ciao baby!