Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Runnin' Wit Chocolate: A Short Story About My Waning Popularity

I exercise like a dojo, so it's only fitting that I start this story by telling you I rode the stationary bike in the gym tonight for 20 minutes. I'm not bragging because it's such a usual thing for me to work up a sweat, I'm just telling you to "set the scene" as Shakespeare once said, probably.

So I'm riding the bike, listening to my power song (which I will never reveal to you) and I realize... I'm straight up panting, I mean pan-ting like a dog; a dog who hasn't ran even close to a mile in years and counts masturbation as exercise. My music was blocking out the heaving, and when I realized the decible of sound coming from deep within me it was too late; the damage was done and everyone around me could tell this, was a New Years resolution workout. And also, I ate a whole tube of BBQ Pringles earlier today. Nike Active Capris was looking at me with pity usually reserved for amputees and Tiny Reebok Shorts was smiling up over a book that I will now bitterly guess was Eat, Pray, Love. I was bright red and I'm sure I looked like some devil/puffer fish version of Donald Trump. So I did what any other self-respecting dojo would do, I kept working out for five more minutes at a sneakily decreased setting; then I left.

I was on my way back to my dorm room when I decided to stop by my friend Chad's to see how his Christmas break had been. It turns out he went to Kansas so all his stories were really boring, but in the middle of a story about "the pictures of his Grandma 'doing Rodeo' in the 50's" I remembered I had left like, 3 giant Hershey chocolate bars in his room after a bonfire last semester and he's really healthy so they were totally still there! Hooray! I left instantly because fate had run it's course and I even decided to run back to my dorm since my workout had been cut short.

I sprinted the lower parking lot and then proudly bent over in front of Nease Hall to heave the dey-vil spirits out. Bending over I discovered the chocolate bar closest to my sweaty palm had completely melted so I licked it off. I heard laughing and spotted, just over the horizon, Nike and Reebok on a cool-down walk after their rigorous workout. They passed me within seconds and it was too late to hide the evidence of the 3 giant Hersey bars that probably said "Family Size!" on them somewhere, so I stood there still borderline panting, meekly licking my palms trying to act like I was too pre-occupied (with licking myself (?)) to notice them.

Let's hear it for 2011!


  1. Hahahaha I love this. I wish I could've seen this take place. Or maybe I did. Maybe I'm Tiny Reebok Shorts?

  2. This KILLED me with a plethora of humor!